The Art Of Being Invisible

I’m a jedi at this shit, trust me. Don’t ask, just do.

  1. Begin by forgetting everything good about yourself. This is very important when it comes to not accepting compliments honestly and an overall sense of worthlessness. Do not skip this step. This is the classical technique foundation of being invisible.
  2. Begin dressing as if you’re a Mormon. Nothing against Mormons, they just get the ‘don’t make any appealing part of your body visible’ ideology. Any attention is bad attention. Be smart and maximize your ability to be looked straight through by approximately 50% of the people around you who may otherwise find you attractive.
  3. Stop talking about yourself. Certainly do not open up to any new human. If no one knows anything about you, they will probably forget you. Yay!
  4. An extension of step 1; scan back through any positive attributes about yourself and ensure that your belief in your skills and passions are stamped out stat. You cannot allow inspiration to encourage you to do anything stupid like standing out. A useful mantra is ‘I am uselessness personified.’
  5. Let time do its thing by distancing any pesky accomplishments. Blergh. The longer ago you did anything noteworthy, the more you can write it off as a fluke or a horrible mistake that was thrust upon you.
  6. Ensure that your body language is closed, crossed and makes you appear literally small at all times. Stick to the outsides of rooms. Corners are your friends.
  7. In unavoidable social situations, do not, I repeat do NOT let yourself be seen in any kind of positive light. Deny, deny, deflect. People muchprefer an awkward and painfully self-deprecating human over one who owns anything perceivably good about themselves. This is not rocket science. It’s common sense.
  8. The equivalent of ‘going clear’ or ‘enlightenment’ in the art of being invisible is strategically positioning oneself to never receive anything at all. Not a second glance, not a compliment, DEFINITELY not anything physical like a gift good lord. In fact, if you’ve reached the pinnacle of this practice, you won’t even be valuable enough to be paid, for anything. Accepting money is the equivalent of terminal blasphemy, this is a mortal sin, do not accept help. Ever. Under any circumstance.
  9. Be vanilla and 100% agreeable all the time. Not having an opinion means you have nothing to say which means you are aligning in your uselessness. Double down on that shit.

Now you know the definitive 9 step process to becoming invisible. Use these steps wisely. They are extremely effective. You’re welcome.

Love Boofi

My Pesky Root Chakra

It has come to my attention that I have a faulty root chakra. The root chakra, as I’ve recently learned is the energy center between your tail bone and genitals. It is considered the 1st of 7 chakras, is symbolized by the colour red, and makes eating potatoes (and other root vegetables) a priority. I’m not entirely sure if mine is over-active (unlikely), under-active, blocked or just plain old imbalanced, but I’ve just learnt that it needs some attention. How do I know this you ask? Well, here it goes.. I am uncovering the level of insecurity that I have as a human on this earth. As in, I have such a real issue taking up the 5”5’ of vertical space I have been given on this earth and it is becoming increasingly clear that I just don’t feel worthy standing on my assigned square foot (area, not misshaped feet).
I’ve taken this issue to such an extent that I have an irrational fear of sink holes. I feel like it’s more possible that the earth will suddenly swallow me up on an idle Tuesday in an exceptional show of bad luck than me being here, on earth, for a reason. I feel like such a waste of space that I have been unconsciously willing myself to disappear. It’s definitively insane.
As far as I can tell these are the four main markers of improper root chakra management:

 

  • – Poor decision making. (All day. The more trivial the decision, the more trouble I have making it. ‘What do you want to eat’ is one of my most feared questions. “Worms. I’ll take the worms.”
  • – Insecurity. Please see above re: irrational sink-hole fear.
  • – Anxiety.  Please see above re: insecurity re: irrational sink-hole fear.
  • – Detachment. Does this take into account my complete denial of feeling? My suppression of feeling is faster than the speed of light. I was truly convinced I wasn’t equipped with feeling at one point.

 

  • – A general feeling of not being ‘supported’ in life. Financially or otherwise.
My confirmation of diagnoses came from an online quiz where I answered ‘yes’ to 19 out of 30 of signs that I have root chakra issues. I chalked up ‘yes’ answers to questions that asked if I felt insecure about my financial situation, if I have an increased interest in going to farmers markets and if my legs fall asleep a lot. Albeit, questions 15 and 30 were the exact same question about being unsure of career path and general life direction to which I felt it appropriate to count both  ‘yes’’ (yesses, yes’s?) which is indicative of the enormity of that bundle of confusion.
Fixing ones pesky root chakra:
After plenty of dedicated internet research, I have ascertained the following as potential solutions to my below-the-belt issue.
1. Putting ones root chakra on the ground to literally and figuratively ground. This is something I’ve been doing every day whilst meditating, as well as putting my bare feet on the ground/grass. I must say that I thoroughly enjoy this.
2. Eating root vegetables. Easy. Peasy.
3. Stomping ones feet. Or as I like to put a theatrical twist on it: tap. The world has been nudging me back to tapping which is fine with me. Over my dead body first, is tap a dying art. Apparently this reminds us of how we are supported on earth.
4. Wearing (sexy) red underwear. Don’t ask. Just do.
5. Squeezing buttocks & everything below the navel whilst breathing… I’ll report back.
2 week root-chakra re-tune update:
Well today as i sat down to meditate, i did feel like the ground ‘felt’ different under my bum. Maybe the ground was just super hard, maybe my undies were less cushioned than usual. I’ve found myself craving food that I’ve later looked up and found to be considered helpful for root chakra issues. I’m gonna be honest and say I haven’t tried the squeeze and breathe once. And I am pushing forward with living my life as if I am 100% safe and secure and what credit card debt? Also, since when did tap classes become about who can shuffle their feet around the fastest?… Still trying to find a decent tap class…
Love boofi x

A step by step process of how a highly evolved being gets their life back on track

Step 1 – break up with your boyfriend to “find yourself” in the process of this keep sleeping with him and be really unclear about future intentions and overall relationship.

Step 2- Start writing a blog about how much you hate your life and your job, in the hopes that people care about it. Create your own word press website that has like, a totally kewl, yet thought provoking name. Think that this will eventually lead to you becoming a famous blogger that writes about their life and feelings, because there aren’t enough narcissist in the world.

Step 3 – Become addicted to social media and post heaps of kewl photos of yourself. Because you ARE kewl. Follow other Kewl people and then like their photos. Love hearts everywhere!

Step 4 – Diagnose yourself with distraction addiction then do absolutely nothing to change it. Quickly distract yourself by scrolling through Instagram checking all the kewl posts.

Step 5 – You hear a cockroach rummaging through the papers in your room. Immediately start to hunt the fucker down with your shoe! You are a boss bitch, all powerful. This cockroach knows it’s over…. he can feel it in his bones.

Midway through this you get a text….  You lose the cockroach,  the hunt is over! You lose. Don’t be disheartened, he may appear when you least expect it.

Step 6 – Sleep with your ex boyfriend again because this clearly is a pattern that is working for you. Why wouldn’t it? You don’t really feel anxious after ‘the deed’ or think you’re a shit person. That Albert Einstein quote that keeps repeating in your head “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different outcome” Is absolutely bullshit because the ACTUAL dictionary definition is “the state of being seriously mentally ill;madness”. Like what the fuck does Einstein know anyway, Mother fucker hasn’t walked a mile in my Chloe boots.

Step 7 – As you are writing this post you start to follow a train of thought that is completely unrelated to this subject. You start to think how differently people perceive situations, you decide to start writing something about this instead. Then you forget what the point of that actually was, so you go back to writing this  fucking masterpiece.

Step 8 – You start to read over the above steps and realize that you may not have gotten your life back on track just yet. However, there is promise and opportunity right around the corner.

Step 9 – You see the cockroach looking straight at you as he creeps around the corner. You get your shoe ready and start creeping right back. you don’t have time to fuck around so you bash his brains in but send him love and respect at the same time. It’s not his fault he was just following the yellow brick road to the pile of dirty crumbs in your room.

Step 10 – you start to realize that maybe this isn’t really about getting your life back on track, maybe it really is just all about the cockroach. Kind of like Alice in wonderland with the rabbit…. but not really at all.

Step 11 – Throw out your hello kitty underwear you just turned 28.

Rock bottom:the holiday destination you haven’t considered and probably shouldn’t but it’s something to tick off the bucket list and makes a medium sized blog post with a really long title

Two years ago I realized that my confidence was at nil. Zero. I was a big fat fraud who had phonied myself into every good situation in my life ever. I didn’t believe I was worthy of the things I wanted and employed self sabotage to my life like a ninja. I was impressive.

I knew I was ‘a good person’ so I managed to keep myself surrounded by wonderful people, which accounts for the 30% ‘on track’ record I kept, but inside I was fighting a subconscious war. What a dumb oxymoron. I felt like a moron. I flailed around trying to ‘fix my head’ for almost 2 years to varying degrees of no avail. Enter rock bottom. THAT’S a fun place. It’s also a brilliant place to take all your broken pieces and start from scratch, building yourself from the bottom, up, with the strongest foundation ever. I am now very grateful for rock bottom and I hope I find myself there a couple more times for some sparkly new renovations.

In the last few months I’ve taken a giant scared-cat-backflip in an ‘away’ direction from everything in my life. This hasn’t been super pretty and has involved some temporary pushing away.. and with help that was extremely hard for me to ask for, I put my self-worth at the top of my priority list. I have deployed the nunchuks on my negativity but nunchuks are MUCH harder than they look and negativity is a sneaky bitch, so that’s a work in progress and I dare say, always will be. I’m tearing down belief systems that are haggard, outdated and frankly, ugly. And it’s hard. I’m emotionally exhausted. However, I do see an unmistakable glimmer of hope, I am slowly but surely finding glaringingly obvious signs that I actually am worthy of the things I need and desire.

I have made sacrifices to unflinchingly find time for myself and I have spent an hour each day in a park or some form of nature, sitting barefoot on the grass. Meditating and/ or writing. I am remembering things, good things, about myself. I am learning things that have been desperately wanting to be acknowledged and I am finally listening to myself again. My god, it feels wonderful.. Who knew I was this wise?! Who knew, we could take the (let’s face it) brilliant advice we hand out willy nilly to the people we love (thank you, perspective) AND ACTUALLY APPLY IT TO OUR OWN LIVES. Shut. The. Front. Door.

I love my life again. I like my own company again. I actually remembered that I prefer my own company. I don’t need a lot of social interaction and my A+ friends, fulfill what social needs I have, without judgement, in record time.

<> Love Boffi <>

People Pleasing keeps you cheesy

I listened to this podcast earlier today about how we are fearful of change and how to have the life you really want… ya know manifesting and all that! I have to admit I love to take the piss out of these things from time to time, but… I am about to contradict myself in the same sentence. a lot of the points that were addressed generally ring true. One point that was especially poignant was women who slowly adjust their behaviour in order to make other people feel more comfortable. I know this isn’t just women, men definitely would experience this as well. However, it is far more prevalent in woman especially when it comes to keeping their man happy and protecting the male ego.

I know so many strong, assertive, opinionated women who feel the need to tone down their behaviour so it doesn’t shake the boat or make their partner feel less than. This behaviour is ridiculously unhealthy, as you slowly start to cut away at the self-esteem and self-confidence that you possess in order to make someone else more comfortable. I’m not saying be outspoken for the sake of being outspoken or take an opposing opinion in order to feel strong. I have done this in the past. I generally just ended up looking like an arse … one of my finer talents really.

What I mean is, everyone’s feelings are valid and you should feel comfortable to express them! Don’t take it to the extreme as I would and abuse your partner for bringing home normal tomatoes instead of cherry tomatoes. Although, I still feel that the emotional response of screaming “BUT YOU KNOW I WANTED CHERRY TOMATOES!!!!” followed by hysterically crying, as well as being absolutely astonished that he would do this to me was a completely valid expression of my feelings at THAT point in time. I’m not excusing this behaviour, but you shouldn’t feel the need to slowly carve away at big pieces that make you, the original you. If you’re loud be loud, but don’t be obnoxious and inconsiderate. If you’re emotional be emotional. Express yourself and find a creative outlet to funnel these feelings through. Be assertive and if people are scared or intimidated, then that is their shit. As long as you’re coming from a place of love and respect for your self and others then do what you need to do.

People pleasing is the quickest way to making you unhappy and living a life and creating a person that panders to the expectations of others. I only say this because I am the ultimate people pleaser. I hate to say the word NO because I’m afraid that my friends will decide they don’t like me. I used to constantly do things out of fear of not being loved or liked but the funniest thing is that when you start to put your self first you start to earn your own self respect. Look, I’m only three weeks in so I haven’t changed my life…. YET!  I am starting to like myself more and care less about what other people think. I’m starting to enjoy my own company and I’m coming to terms with letting go. This is not to say that I don’t care at all because I think that’s completely unhealthy as well. Caring what other people think is also a really important part of being considerate and kind but don’t try and become someone you’re not in order to skew someone else’s perception of you because you’re really only hurting yourself. In the same breath don’t listen to me because what the fuck do I know I just had a thought and I wrote it down. This has no factual information, but it is the chaos ramblings in my head… it could actually be a pure piece of genius. Eh you decide.

< > Sugar Plum Fairy <>

A Step by step process of how a completely healthy, evolved human being deals in a break up.

Step 1 – The day you break up be really passive aggressive, don’t deal with core issues and blame someone unrelated to the scenario… and most definitely let envy and jealousy into the equation because that’s what your higher self would approve of.

Step 2 – Realise you have made the worst decision of your life by breaking up with this person and start to reflect on what an utter cunt you are. I mean delve deep, pick out all the worst things you have ever done, put your self on the cross and whip yourself. By working the littlest issues up in your head and then even blaming their actions on yourself and how you forced them to behave that way because you are a piece of shit!

Step 3 – Start enrolling into heaps of different things you have never done before or you were too afraid to do, then don’t turn up because you have been too busy with step 2!

Step 4 – Go out with your friends and tell them how well you are doing, tell them how you have enrolled into acting courses and how much fun it is and how free you feel. What you shouldn’t tell them is that you shelved out $1500 and you’re in hardcore debt and have only turned up to 3 classes, because step 2 hating on yourself got in the way!!

Step 5– Start to think all your friends hate you and don’t contact them in the hopes that they will contact you. Think everyone has bailed on your friendship and then start talking to complete strangers about it. THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL BEHAVIOUR! And if anyone says otherwise, cut them out of your life!

Step 6 – Become spiritual, follow spirit science on Facebook, read books about self actualization and be fucking Buddha, live it, breath it, make a fucking vision board!

Step 7 – Realise you’re way to fucked to be any kind of Buddha or even practice Buddhism or practice any kind of spirituality because you hate yourself too much right now, so you go and get really drunk again! But keep dabbling in spirituality because you get it somewhere deep down inside of you, but right now you just don’t know where, so you keep reading self help books cause fuck it you gotta start somewhere!

Step 8 – Intellectualize everything and don’t feel real emotion, when people ask you how you are. Say “yeah after 3 weeks I’m seeing things really clearly” (this is because you think you are Buddha) “we are just on different paths, we were never meant to be together, I just really want that person to be happy”. “I am fine, like actually fine, I have never been better! You should see me; I’m fucking killing it!”

What you don’t realize while you are putting up this façade is that bitch they see you and you are NOT fine!

Step 9 – Go out and get drunk at any opportunity and flirt with guys that by no means are your type – why is every guy an investment banker? And why do all guys think that women will fuck them if they say they’re an investment banker? But the fact that they are talking to you gives you this false sense of ego and self and suddenly your back on top! Shieeet I am hot!! Nhaaaooooooooooot!!!

Then go in the toilets and cry again that’s your home you’re safe there – personal, intimate shit goes down in there.

Step 10 – Wake up after every hang over have a quick 5 minute cry to yourself in your bed and then call a girlfriend and obsess over the break up. For example, “he was just never going to love me” “I am just too fucked up” and then quickly change your tune to “he is an absolute cunt I fucking hate him” and then again change your tune to “he is just too good for me, he is a good person and I was selfish and just didn’t know how to properly love him.”

Step 11 – You find out he has had sex with someone two weeks after you broke up on your bed!!! So you send him 3 eloquently constructed SMS’s that go a little like this “I can’t believe you fucked someone on my fucking bed! You’re a liar”New SMS “I asked you straight out “New SMS “you tried to fucking pay me for the bed you fucked her in, you’re fucked”.

Then he writes “oh I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that in hindsight” And I get that, hindsight is a bitch! Because he is a really nice guy and you genuinely believe that he didn’t mean to hurt you and he is just trying to deal with it as you are. Once you realize this you immediately hate yourself for the previous messages and write an equally retarded message when you just should have left it because honestly woman WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE??????? New SMS “It’s all good, whatever you had sex it’s your right. I wish you were honest about it. But I understand sometimes that’s hard.”

You have a chat it’s all good between you two, you love and respect each other. So then to rid yourself of all negative energies you set fire to the bed that you have in your new apartment, in your new room to get rid of his fuck residue that was left by him (the devil) and the dirty whore he had sex with. So basically what any evolved human being would do.

Ok you took it too far… The house is on fucking fire!! Yooooou really fucked up this time! So you run and you keep running and you never ever come back!

Just kidding, onto the next step.

Step 12 – This is my favourite because emotionally stable bitches do this shit all the time! To all my bitches out there I am with you and I love you. STALK THE PRICK! And I mean stalk, go on Facebook and instagram and check who he is befriending check what photo’s he is liking and start to make up scenarios in your head of what he is doing. Presume everything!! Evidence means nothnnnnnnnnggggggg! The following tab on instagram is your best friend, learn it well, analyze every single like.

Step 13 – Delete all social media immediately. You have actually sent yourself fucking insane, you are unstable and are not emotionally equipped to deal with this fucking chaos you have created in your mind, and now it is now filtering out into your reality, stop the self-sabotage immediately. Delete everything!!

Step 14 – You find out he is seeing someone do what any rational human being would do – Call him up and ask him if he ever fucking loved you?! Be hysterical! Because if he didn’t love you before he is absolutely going to love you after you call him crying hysterically! This step is really good for your self-esteem and self worth. You will not regret this later and want to hang yourself from the lounge room chandelier. Even though the real reason you called him was to hear his voice and see if maybe he still loved you or wants to have sex you because you’re a selfish bitch.

Step 15 – Meet up with friends again! But when they mention the break up or his name start crying or become a hysterical blubbering mess because you have absolutely no control over your emotions. You’re fucking neck deep in depression and anxiety, not to mention a completely manic state of mind and you’re trying to keep up appearances.

Step 16 – Annoy your friends so much with the break up and your constant self-loathing and obsessive boring chat that you literally alienate yourself from any being that you have ever meet. You have become so insular, paranoid and psychotic that you no longer know what is real verses what you have fabricated in your mind. You are completely out of touch with reality.

When you’re stuck in a bitter rut.

Fuck a rut, fuck a duck, I fuck myself and I doubt me, I’m a piece of fucking white trash and I whisper it quietly. Okay so rhyming clearly isn’t my strong suit and I’m not above plagiarizing.

In all honesty or like “for a TBH”, the signs are clear when you’re in a rut and you can go months, weeks and years without even noticing. I think what bothers me the most is that it’s clear to everyone else but yourself, it’s like you live in your own dirty little cave of denial.

It’s been a whole year and I have gone through 5 Jobs – 3 of them were career jobs, at least 7 full on meltdowns, countless minor anxiety attacks and I have smoked enough ciggies to have already developed some kind of tobacco related illness. I’m still no closer to finding my path or “my truth” and reading The Alchemist gave me zero clarity, but it did give me this ambitous idea that I’m here to do something incredible on this earth. So I’m walking around all entitled and shit, the only thing is I’ll probably be fucking dead by the time I find out what my purpose is. Suffice to say I’m feeling a lot like a pretty fucking unbalanced, directionless 27 year old girl. I want to make something very clear though, I have never been fired from one of these jobs. Wellllll… I wasn’t exactly fired from this one pub, but I wasn’t given another shift either. We both kind of just avoided speaking to each other…. so maybe I was fired from one job? I’d prefer to say mutal break up.. neither of us were happy in the relationship. Anyway, I’m fucking Greek so I work like a fucking Trojan, no job is too hard… but I am a fucking martyr (I got it from my Mumma) – we Greeks like to lay on that guilt thick and heavy.

I keep changing jobs because I always think the next place will be better or I need to find what “my heart truly desires “like, what should I do with this one precious life..? Seriously?! LOL!! Like I’m so fucking important!! I have this grandiose idea that I am meant to be doing something incredible with my life, and the worst part about it is that I know that I’m entitled! I do think I’m better than a 9 -5 and where is this so called 9-5 anyway though?!!! More like 9 until your eyes start to bleed and the excel spreadsheet starts to look more like an acid tab, so you’re that one dickhead in the corner office cubicle licking their fucking computer monitor hoping to get off… could be worse i guess, I could be the guy that jacks off in the office toilet watching porn on his phone. Who am I judge, if he gets even one moment of enjoyment in that hell hole then no one should ever be able to take that away from him.

I think the best part about this “9 to 5” is you get to do it all again tomorrow… unless you muster up enough courage to call in a sickie… but then you end up feeling like a guilty dog because you could have gone to work because you are physically able but mentally you could take a fucking machete to work and let rip. So for the rest of the day you don’t leave the house because you might get caught, I mean who fucking knows who’s around the corner?! It could be your boss’ friend’s mother and they might have seen a picture of you… could be worse, you could be that dickhead that pulls a sickie and then pops up a snapchat of themselves at beach forgetting that he’s like tots snap friends with his boss.

So then you turn up to work the next day an anxious fucking mess because you might be found out. You pop on a fake little cough and start acting a little dull and sensitive. Then 20 minutes later you’ve suddenly stopped sniffling and coughing because you have forgotten that you were ACTUALLY fully sick yesterday. And then your boss comments in a condescending tone (but it could be your perception because you are known to be fairly paranoid) saying “you seem like your feeling much better than this morning”. So in your head you think “she is having a fucking dig isn’t she?” and inside you start to bubble up. So you get defensive and think “like they’ve never pulled a sickie in their fucking life. Get off your high horse CUNT!!” but what you say back to her is “yeah, I know… it’s always the worst in the mornings, I’m starting to feel so much better thank you”. You walk away knowing you’re a boss and you fucking nailed that reply and she’s a bitter bitch and will die alone (maybe that’s not the worst thing that could happen to her really). But the actual worst part about the sickie you took yesterday is the fact you will probably have to stay back until fucking 9pm tonight because you have soooooo much fucking work to catch up on and your basically a glorified butt bitch in your role because you’re like totally working your way up.

Started from the bottom now we here… or more like, we ain’t ever gonna leave.