Step 1 – break up with your boyfriend to “find yourself” in the process of this keep sleeping with him and be really unclear about future intentions and overall relationship.
Step 2- Start writing a blog about how much you hate your life and your job, in the hopes that people care about it. Create your own word press website that has like, a totally kewl, yet thought provoking name. Think that this will eventually lead to you becoming a famous blogger that writes about their life and feelings, because there aren’t enough narcissist in the world.
Step 3 – Become addicted to social media and post heaps of kewl photos of yourself. Because you ARE kewl. Follow other Kewl people and then like their photos. Love hearts everywhere!
Step 4 – Diagnose yourself with distraction addiction then do absolutely nothing to change it. Quickly distract yourself by scrolling through Instagram checking all the kewl posts.
Step 5 – You hear a cockroach rummaging through the papers in your room. Immediately start to hunt the fucker down with your shoe! You are a boss bitch, all powerful. This cockroach knows it’s over…. he can feel it in his bones.
Midway through this you get a text…. You lose the cockroach, the hunt is over! You lose. Don’t be disheartened, he may appear when you least expect it.
Step 6 – Sleep with your ex boyfriend again because this clearly is a pattern that is working for you. Why wouldn’t it? You don’t really feel anxious after ‘the deed’ or think you’re a shit person. That Albert Einstein quote that keeps repeating in your head “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different outcome” Is absolutely bullshit because the ACTUAL dictionary definition is “the state of being seriously mentally ill;madness”. Like what the fuck does Einstein know anyway, Mother fucker hasn’t walked a mile in my Chloe boots.
Step 7 – As you are writing this post you start to follow a train of thought that is completely unrelated to this subject. You start to think how differently people perceive situations, you decide to start writing something about this instead. Then you forget what the point of that actually was, so you go back to writing this fucking masterpiece.
Step 8 – You start to read over the above steps and realize that you may not have gotten your life back on track just yet. However, there is promise and opportunity right around the corner.
Step 9 – You see the cockroach looking straight at you as he creeps around the corner. You get your shoe ready and start creeping right back. you don’t have time to fuck around so you bash his brains in but send him love and respect at the same time. It’s not his fault he was just following the yellow brick road to the pile of dirty crumbs in your room.
Step 10 – you start to realize that maybe this isn’t really about getting your life back on track, maybe it really is just all about the cockroach. Kind of like Alice in wonderland with the rabbit…. but not really at all.
Step 11 – Throw out your hello kitty underwear you just turned 28.