Two years ago I realized that my confidence was at nil. Zero. I was a big fat fraud who had phonied myself into every good situation in my life ever. I didn’t believe I was worthy of the things I wanted and employed self sabotage to my life like a ninja. I was impressive.
I knew I was ‘a good person’ so I managed to keep myself surrounded by wonderful people, which accounts for the 30% ‘on track’ record I kept, but inside I was fighting a subconscious war. What a dumb oxymoron. I felt like a moron. I flailed around trying to ‘fix my head’ for almost 2 years to varying degrees of no avail. Enter rock bottom. THAT’S a fun place. It’s also a brilliant place to take all your broken pieces and start from scratch, building yourself from the bottom, up, with the strongest foundation ever. I am now very grateful for rock bottom and I hope I find myself there a couple more times for some sparkly new renovations.
In the last few months I’ve taken a giant scared-cat-backflip in an ‘away’ direction from everything in my life. This hasn’t been super pretty and has involved some temporary pushing away.. and with help that was extremely hard for me to ask for, I put my self-worth at the top of my priority list. I have deployed the nunchuks on my negativity but nunchuks are MUCH harder than they look and negativity is a sneaky bitch, so that’s a work in progress and I dare say, always will be. I’m tearing down belief systems that are haggard, outdated and frankly, ugly. And it’s hard. I’m emotionally exhausted. However, I do see an unmistakable glimmer of hope, I am slowly but surely finding glaringingly obvious signs that I actually am worthy of the things I need and desire.
I have made sacrifices to unflinchingly find time for myself and I have spent an hour each day in a park or some form of nature, sitting barefoot on the grass. Meditating and/ or writing. I am remembering things, good things, about myself. I am learning things that have been desperately wanting to be acknowledged and I am finally listening to myself again. My god, it feels wonderful.. Who knew I was this wise?! Who knew, we could take the (let’s face it) brilliant advice we hand out willy nilly to the people we love (thank you, perspective) AND ACTUALLY APPLY IT TO OUR OWN LIVES. Shut. The. Front. Door.
I love my life again. I like my own company again. I actually remembered that I prefer my own company. I don’t need a lot of social interaction and my A+ friends, fulfill what social needs I have, without judgement, in record time.
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