Step 1 – The day you break up be really passive aggressive, don’t deal with core issues and blame someone unrelated to the scenario… and most definitely let envy and jealousy into the equation because that’s what your higher self would approve of.
Step 2 – Realise you have made the worst decision of your life by breaking up with this person and start to reflect on what an utter cunt you are. I mean delve deep, pick out all the worst things you have ever done, put your self on the cross and whip yourself. By working the littlest issues up in your head and then even blaming their actions on yourself and how you forced them to behave that way because you are a piece of shit!
Step 3 – Start enrolling into heaps of different things you have never done before or you were too afraid to do, then don’t turn up because you have been too busy with step 2!
Step 4 – Go out with your friends and tell them how well you are doing, tell them how you have enrolled into acting courses and how much fun it is and how free you feel. What you shouldn’t tell them is that you shelved out $1500 and you’re in hardcore debt and have only turned up to 3 classes, because step 2 hating on yourself got in the way!!
Step 5– Start to think all your friends hate you and don’t contact them in the hopes that they will contact you. Think everyone has bailed on your friendship and then start talking to complete strangers about it. THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL BEHAVIOUR! And if anyone says otherwise, cut them out of your life!
Step 6 – Become spiritual, follow spirit science on Facebook, read books about self actualization and be fucking Buddha, live it, breath it, make a fucking vision board!
Step 7 – Realise you’re way to fucked to be any kind of Buddha or even practice Buddhism or practice any kind of spirituality because you hate yourself too much right now, so you go and get really drunk again! But keep dabbling in spirituality because you get it somewhere deep down inside of you, but right now you just don’t know where, so you keep reading self help books cause fuck it you gotta start somewhere!
Step 8 – Intellectualize everything and don’t feel real emotion, when people ask you how you are. Say “yeah after 3 weeks I’m seeing things really clearly” (this is because you think you are Buddha) “we are just on different paths, we were never meant to be together, I just really want that person to be happy”. “I am fine, like actually fine, I have never been better! You should see me; I’m fucking killing it!”
What you don’t realize while you are putting up this façade is that bitch they see you and you are NOT fine!
Step 9 – Go out and get drunk at any opportunity and flirt with guys that by no means are your type – why is every guy an investment banker? And why do all guys think that women will fuck them if they say they’re an investment banker? But the fact that they are talking to you gives you this false sense of ego and self and suddenly your back on top! Shieeet I am hot!! Nhaaaooooooooooot!!!
Then go in the toilets and cry again that’s your home you’re safe there – personal, intimate shit goes down in there.
Step 10 – Wake up after every hang over have a quick 5 minute cry to yourself in your bed and then call a girlfriend and obsess over the break up. For example, “he was just never going to love me” “I am just too fucked up” and then quickly change your tune to “he is an absolute cunt I fucking hate him” and then again change your tune to “he is just too good for me, he is a good person and I was selfish and just didn’t know how to properly love him.”
Step 11 – You find out he has had sex with someone two weeks after you broke up on your bed!!! So you send him 3 eloquently constructed SMS’s that go a little like this “I can’t believe you fucked someone on my fucking bed! You’re a liar”New SMS “I asked you straight out “New SMS “you tried to fucking pay me for the bed you fucked her in, you’re fucked”.
Then he writes “oh I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that in hindsight” And I get that, hindsight is a bitch! Because he is a really nice guy and you genuinely believe that he didn’t mean to hurt you and he is just trying to deal with it as you are. Once you realize this you immediately hate yourself for the previous messages and write an equally retarded message when you just should have left it because honestly woman WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE??????? New SMS “It’s all good, whatever you had sex it’s your right. I wish you were honest about it. But I understand sometimes that’s hard.”
You have a chat it’s all good between you two, you love and respect each other. So then to rid yourself of all negative energies you set fire to the bed that you have in your new apartment, in your new room to get rid of his fuck residue that was left by him (the devil) and the dirty whore he had sex with. So basically what any evolved human being would do.
Ok you took it too far… The house is on fucking fire!! Yooooou really fucked up this time! So you run and you keep running and you never ever come back!
Just kidding, onto the next step.
Step 12 – This is my favourite because emotionally stable bitches do this shit all the time! To all my bitches out there I am with you and I love you. STALK THE PRICK! And I mean stalk, go on Facebook and instagram and check who he is befriending check what photo’s he is liking and start to make up scenarios in your head of what he is doing. Presume everything!! Evidence means nothnnnnnnnnggggggg! The following tab on instagram is your best friend, learn it well, analyze every single like.
Step 13 – Delete all social media immediately. You have actually sent yourself fucking insane, you are unstable and are not emotionally equipped to deal with this fucking chaos you have created in your mind, and now it is now filtering out into your reality, stop the self-sabotage immediately. Delete everything!!
Step 14 – You find out he is seeing someone do what any rational human being would do – Call him up and ask him if he ever fucking loved you?! Be hysterical! Because if he didn’t love you before he is absolutely going to love you after you call him crying hysterically! This step is really good for your self-esteem and self worth. You will not regret this later and want to hang yourself from the lounge room chandelier. Even though the real reason you called him was to hear his voice and see if maybe he still loved you or wants to have sex you because you’re a selfish bitch.
Step 15 – Meet up with friends again! But when they mention the break up or his name start crying or become a hysterical blubbering mess because you have absolutely no control over your emotions. You’re fucking neck deep in depression and anxiety, not to mention a completely manic state of mind and you’re trying to keep up appearances.
Step 16 – Annoy your friends so much with the break up and your constant self-loathing and obsessive boring chat that you literally alienate yourself from any being that you have ever meet. You have become so insular, paranoid and psychotic that you no longer know what is real verses what you have fabricated in your mind. You are completely out of touch with reality.